


Nothing Ever Again

by Velvet_Crowe



Series: One Thing at a Time [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hunter x Hunter - Freeform, M/M, Mostly Cannon Compliant, Post-Series, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-16 02:12:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8082643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velvet_Crowe/pseuds/Velvet_Crowe
Summary: Sequel to Everything at OnceFive years ago, Gon recovered his Nen. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty, and as much as he doesn't want to think about what he had to go through to get it back, he may have no other choice. Because Nanika is missing. However far they have to go, Killua and Gon will go together, to find their lost sister.





	1. Renewal

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read Everything at Once, you're still welcome to keep going. But I make no guarantees on the sense or sensibility of what you read.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alluka searches for Nanika, following the same path Gon walked five years ago. Sort of...

Five years ago…

****

“Do you know how I can get my Nen back?”

****

Gon swallowed nervously. The pirate captain regarded him amusedly, still playing with that nasty knife, as she reclined against the windows at the nose of the small, rogue airship. 

****

“Maybe,” she smirked, “You try all the normal ways?”

****

Gon nodded, hope bubbling up in his chest at those words. He beat it back down; everything else that he’d tried had failed. There was no guarantee she would really know a way. Or that it would work.

****

Her boots hit the floor and she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, knife still twirling, to look at him predatorily. 

****

“You sure you want it back?”

****

Gon’s eyes blazed. “Yes.” 

****

“Ain’t gonna be easy.”

****

“I don’t care. There’s someone I need to protect. I can’t let him down.” 

****

Gon’s hands balled into fists at his side. Not two weeks earlier, Illumi had gotten within spitting distance of Killua and Alluka. Killua had laughed it off in his texts, but Kurapika had told him the real story. How close it had been. 

****

The captain studied his face, apparently liking what she saw. “Hmpf. Well alright then.”

****

The hope simmered again, and Gon would gladly fall on his knees if that’s what it took to get her to tell him. 

****

“Please, tell me how.”

****

She stood up and walked over to the helm. She focussed on adjusting their course, not answering his question for several tense minutes. Eventually, she asked without looking: “What was the covenant you made that cost you it?”

****

Gon looked down and gave the briefest explanation he could.

****

The woman turned to sneer at him, leaning on the console.

****

“Fuck, you should be dead.”

****

“I know,” Gon whispered to the floor. His head whipped back up. “How do I get it back?”

****

The pirate shrugged. “You gave it up. That girl gave it back to you. You have it. You just have to find it inside yourself.”

****

Gon didn’t believe her. He’d been looking everywhere, but then again…  _ Had he really looked inside himself? He knew he couldn’t feel it, but did that mean there was a part of himself he couldn't get to? _ He huffed in frustration; the Hunter wasn’t used to feeling uncertain of himself. 

****

“But how?”

****

“You said you sacrificed everything?” she asked, dubiously.

****

“Yes.”

****

The captain of the  _ Firefly _ nodded, pouting her lips in derision. “Everything means everything. Past. Present. Future. I’d say that means you have three locks separating you from your Nen.”

****

“Three locks?” He asked.

****

She turned back to the clouds.

****

“Three locks.”

****

* * *

****

Killua was dreaming. 

****

It was dark and he could see the light of the stars trickling down through the trees. 

****

He ran, faster than he’d ever run, but he knew no matter what he did, it would be too late. It was always too late. 

****

He skidded to a stop, seeing an empty, broken clearing. 

****

They were already gone. If they weren’t here, he couldn’t find them. 

****

He was too late.

****

“Gon!”

****

Killua was awake. 

****

So was Alluka. The siblings were sharing a bed in a small inn at the southern tip of Yorbia near the ocean. They were too old to be sharing beds regularly, but the inn had limited rooms, and Killua wasn’t ready to share space with Gon yet.

****

Alluka rubbed her brother’s back, soaked with cold sweat and heaving from his gasping breath.

****

“Which one was it?”

****

Killua knew she was asking which version of his nightmare he had this time. 

****

There were a lot of them. All variations on the same motif. This had been one of the better ones; he hadn’t seen Gon in it at all. It was terrifying not being able to find his best friend, but his subconscious sometimes took mercy on him and knew that, even though he was looking, Killua didn’t want to find Gon. 

****

The worst was one where he found Gon. Tall, grown-up, impossibly powerful. Gon would look up from the bloody corpse beneath him to look at Killua with disgust for his weakness. Then, Gon morphed into Pitou as the first incarnation died. Animalistic, murderous, invincible. Killua would watch as Gon’s limbs twisted into those of a Chimera Ant, unable to do anything. Gon-Pitou would leer with catlike amber eyes and taunt him.  _ You don’t care, so you shouldn’t mind if we all die together _ . Then Kite would arrive, as she was now, and Gon-Pitou would rip her apart. And then he would rip Killua apart. 

****

(Killua was lying to himself. The actual worst one was the one that was just the memory, replayed exactly as it had happened.)

****

Sometimes it was nice that his dreams left him lost in the forest. 

****

“The one where Gon punched Hisoka in the face. I was cheering for him.”

****

Alluka looked at him like he was a toad. Killua put his head back to the pillow and rolled over. 

****

“Sorry for waking you.”

****

“Nii-chan, you’re lying.”

****

Killua didn’t roll back over. He didn’t answer her either, pretending that he could have fallen asleep in those two seconds. 

****

“They’re getting worse, aren’t they?” Alluka asked. 

****

KIllua squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t go back to sleep for fear of finding more horror and not being able to hide it from Alluka. She was right. They were getting worse.

****

…

****

In the room next door, Gon closed his eyes. 

****

* * *

****

Alluka stood in the meadow, focussing on her breathing. Morel had her using her breath to control her body, and by extension, reawaken her Nen. 

****

Gon and Killua had each tried jolting her aura nodes open multiple times, but it had, expectedly, failed. She was now trying to do it the right way, training constantly and searching as hard as she could for her lost self. 

****

_ Nanika…  _

****

Morel had instructed her to breathe, and to keep breathing deeply until she could feel herself become the breath. It made no sense to her, but she was trying it anyway. 

****

Sometimes, Alluka imagined she could feel her. 

****

Sometimes, she worried she was forgetting.

****

… 

****

Gon and Killua were a ways away, entertaining themselves by just being together. And avoiding being guilted into de-barnacling the ship a second time. (They were so bad at it the first time, there needed to be a second time. Gon didn’t want to hurt the barnacles and Killua had started the splashing contest by laughing at him for it.)

****

“So, no Nen?” Killua asked.

****

Gon smirked. “No Nen. You seem to have forgotten that Enhancers are strong anyway.”

****

“And you seem to have forgotten how heavy my front door is,” Killua quipped back.

****

They gripped each other’s hands. “Ready? Go!”

****

They each tried to slam the other’s hand down, in an arm wrestle that would shatter the poor picnic table beneath them. 

****

Killua had been stronger than Gon, for a long time, having trained since birth. But now, Gon had caught up. Their arms didn’t move an inch. It became an endurance contest. And Gon had the advantage there. While Killua had limited time to train, unless it was training to evade Illumi, Gon had spared no effort to realize his potential, trying to earn back his right to be strong. 

****

Killua’s arm gave an inch. 

****

The blue eyes widened, then narrowed. Killua’s burst of adrenaline pushed their arms back to center, but that spurt of extra strength faded and Gon was able to push his hand down to the table. (Which splintered dangerously.)

****

He grinned up at Killua. “Guess this means you owe me dinner.”   
  


Killua rolled his eyes. “Fine, but I want a rematch tomorrow.”

****

“Then you’ll owe me dinner tomorrow, too.”

****

“Oi! I’ll zap your butt so hard you won’t even be able to sit for dinner!”

****

Gon cracked up, while Killua seethed. But Gon’s energy was infectious and eventually Killua laughed too, imagining Gon hopping around on a burned butt trying to eat whatever Killua attempted to feed him. (For the health and safety of the group, Killua was rarely allowed cooking privileges.) 

****

“Hey, Killua…” Killua stopped chuckling at Gon’s tone. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

****

When Gon didn’t immediately speak up, clearly thinking hard about what he was going to say next, Killua rolled his eyes. “And that would be…”

****

“I’m sorry.”

****

Killua pursed his lips. He wasn’t sure what Gon was apologizing for, but his friend sounded serious. Killua hoped it was just for the splinters in the back of his hand.

****

“I’m sorry for saying it meant nothing to you.”

****

_ Fuck. _

****

Time froze. Killua immediately locked down every muscle, stalling like a deer in headlights. The words permeated his mind. And Killua broke in two. 

****

He didn’t have a choice really, having avoided this conversation with anyone,  _ ever _ . The real Killua was suddenly locked inside his mind, caged in that room with the dying girl and two monsters.  _ Because it means nothing to you…  _

****

The shell Killua looked at Gon and laughed, “I said it was fine, don’t worry about it.”

****

Gon looked at him with furrowed brows. “Killua, I’m serious.” 

****

The hollow Killua still had control, as the real Killua cried out, backed against the wall of the memory that ate at him like acid. 

****

“Gon, don’t worry about it. It’s ancient history now.”

****

Those words hurt Gon more than Killua could know; not as much as Gon had hurt Killua, but a lot. ‘Ancient history’ implied that it really didn’t matter to Killua, and that Gon had been correct six years ago, when he’d made those accusations. Gon needed that not to be true, he couldn’t let that version of himself, the one that cared for nothing but revenge, be right. He needed Killua to be the selfless, good person that he knew he was; not this snarky, blow-it-off facade, laughing at him right now.

****

Killua stood and moved to walk away from the picnic table. Gon sprung to his feet and caught his arm. 

****

“Killua, please. I need to talk to you about this.”   
  


Gon’s touch was like a shock. It hammered at the walls that were trapping Killua inside, still screaming. One of those screams leaked out.

****

“Please! Don’t!”

****

And then Gon understood. He saw the crack in Killua’s demeanor and realized how hard Killua was fighting right now. That, despite Killua’s uncaring exterior, inside he was bleeding, badly. 

****

“Killua…”

****

Killua yanked his arm back, mask sliding back into place. “I’m going to hunt up some food for that dinner. Likely be grubs.”

****

“Killua, talk to me.”

****

“No, Gon!” Killua growled, walls of pain imploding around him and making him lash out like a wounded animal. “It’s done. It’s over. Leave it alone.”   
  


“No! Killua, it’s not okay! Let me talk to you.” Gon tried to grab his arm again, but Killua sprung away. 

****

“Gon,” Killua whispered, across the gap between them, his voice raw and exposed, “Please, don’t.”

****

“Killua!” Gon yelled, closing the distance. 

****

The former assassin turned and bolted. He couldn’t take it. He had to get away. His control was slipping. He’d locked the memories away for a reason. They were dangerous. Poisonous. They eroded everything he was. 

****

Gon couldn’t keep up with the lightning speed Killua used to run, and Killua didn’t stop running. 

****

For three hours he ran. He unconsciously followed his assassin’s training for losing a tail, crossing through rivers and trees, jumping and zigzagging erratically to confuse his lone pursuer. That was all muscle memory. 

****

His mind was still stuck in the past, watching Gon’s hair stretch to the sky as his arm was severed from his too-big body. That body that was all too similar to the one chasing him right now. Killua could still feel the wetness of Gon’s blood on his cheek. 

****

His feet barely touched the earth. He pushed himself as hard as he could, barely remembering to dodge the trees. 

****

He could outrun Gon, but he couldn’t outrun his own head. 

****

With no witnesses here in the wild, the tears came. No one could see him here, and he didn’t have to pretend to be strong or alright or whole. Gon’s sudden outburst just now opened floodgates that had been welded shut. He had been holding this in for so long and right now he just wanted the poison  _ out _ . 

****

He’d built the foundation of this wall in himself six years ago. Slowly imprisoning every emotion and memory and agony within that fortress in his mind. Alluka had chipped at it a little, but her wellbeing motivated him to keep building it upward. He only entered the construct when he was asleep, the dreams sucking him up over the walls and down into hell. Haku had helped him patch the crumbling sections, keeping the structure strong. And then Gon returned and, with a few simple words, like a wrecking ball, slammed into years of work. 

****

And now Killua was being crushed by the weight of both his walls and what lay beyond.

****

He lost himself in the forest, and eventually collapsed near a willow. He dragged himself into the boughs, and hugged his knees to his chest. He hadn’t cried in ages, but now his eyes overflowed. He was twenty years old and he was sobbing like a child, but even the self-conscious side of his brain was overwhelmed by pain. He wept and hugged himself tighter. 

****

He couldn’t get the pictures out of his head. He clawed at his hair, hysterically wondering if he could scratch them out, sobbing in short sharp gasps. He didn’t realize he was having a hyperventilating, until his vision became spotty, but every spot was like a hole in reality, through which he could see it happening all over again. 

****

He screamed then. He screamed until his voice was gone. It was okay. There was no one here to hear it. 

****

His dreams, which until now only tormented him in his sleep, took advantage of the lack of oxygen his brain was getting and began playing in black spots of his vision and Killua couldn’t tell what was real anymore.

****

Gon was fourteen again and walking away from him. Killua tried to follow. But Gon didn’t turn around, and didn't wait for him. And where he was going, Killua had been. He’d been to that place, where there was only killing, and, if you dared to feel, all you felt was pain. Killua couldn’t go back, and he couldn’t stop Gon. He clawed at the ground, trying to rip the earth up to tear the path out from under Gon’s feet, but Gon was too heavy. All he succeeded in doing was ripping up some of the exposed roots of the willow. 

****

Gon kept walking.

****

In his agony, he panicked. He hadn’t meant to hurt the willow and feeling the dying sap in his hands brought him partially back to reality. By merely touching the path that the teenage Gon was on, the killer inside of him had broken free. It didn’t matter that it was tree, and the core would probably survive; the root had been alive, and he had killed it. His thoughts became less and less coherent as he tried to put the root back, thinking that if he undid the murder, Gon would turn around and come back to help him save it. But it was already dead. 

****

Eventually he sat back, with his head on his arm against his propped knee, gasping for breath, staring down at the dead root lying in his lap. He cried with dry sobs now; both his eyes and throat were parched, as his body instinctively conserved water. 

****

He collapsed sideways, with his head on the root, and watching his younger self carry a broken Gon back down the forest trail. His eyes closed, and he saw the same thing. 

****

* * *

****

Gon found him an hour later. Killua was fast, but Gon would recognize Killua’s scent miles away. He walked hesitantly to his unconscious friend, clinging to the tree bark, and knelt down beside him. Killua had several scratches oozing along his scalp, and Gon could see the blood under his nails. His leg was being crushed by the root, and Gon moved to shift it off of him. 

****

“Gon.”

****

Gon froze and looked down at Killua. He wasn’t awake; he’d whispered Gon’s name in his sleep. It sounded so sad. Gon’s eyes prickled with tears. He had done this. He had broken Killua like this. 

****

“Gon.”

****

It sounded worse the second time, but it helped keep Gon from falling into his own despair.  _ He would find a way to heal Killua. _ He finished pulling the massive root off his friend, and scooped him up beneath the knees and shoulders. He cradled Killua to his chest and kissed his forehead.  _ He would find a way to fix this. _

****

He started back. It would be dark before they reached the town, but Alluka was safe with Morel and there was no reason to hurry. Not with Killua asleep in his arms. 

****

Gon stopped at a stream along the way, and gently scooped some of the clear liquid to drip onto Killua’s dry, cracked lips. Killua didn’t stir, even with the cold water. He must have exerted every ounce of energy he’d had, running away. 

****

Gon got them back to the inn around two in the morning. Alluka was still up, pacing frantically, ‘breath’ forgotten. She charged at Gon when she saw her brother unconscious, but Gon just shook his head. 

****

“What happened?” she whispered, realizing Gon was trying not to wake Killua. 

****

“I found him collapsed beneath a tree root. I don’t think he was attacked by anything.” Gon kept his voice just as low. 

****

Alluka looked at the scratches bleeding red into her brother’s hair and the dirt that covered most of his clothes. 

****

“You mean he did this to himself?” she asked, horrified.

****

Gon nodded, and headed to Killua’s and Alluka’s room. He placed Killua gently on the bed and removed most of his outerwear that was caked in dirt and blood and sap, before tucking him into the soft sheets. He tilted his head, indicating Alluka should follow him back to the common room. 

****

There was a fire crackling, and Gon moved to stand beside it, though it did nothing to warm the chill that had settled into his bones. 

****

“I think I should leave,” Gon said. 

****

Alluka looked up, startled. “What?”

****

“Killua wasn’t like this before. When he was with you and Haku, he was okay. Me being here is hurting him.”

****

Alluka shook her head. “Gon, no. This isn’t your fault.” She caught her own lie. “Well, it is, but it’s also Killua’s fault. And Kite’s and Netero’s and Pitou’s…” She started to tear up thinking of how many people were responsible for her brother and Gon’s pain.

****

“Alluka, stop,” Gon interrupted, not willing to share the blame of this with anyone. “I’m not saying I go far. But I think me coming back and being around you guys, being around Killua all the time, it’s too much. I think he needs space right now.”

****

“Gon…” Alluka lifted her head, “I know today was bad, and you’re right, he’s never lost control like that before. But you weren’t here before. You don’t see how much happier he is now that your back. Even I didn’t realize how unhappy he was. Not until I saw how he’s changed with you here now.”

****

Gon didn’t answer but he wasn’t convinced. Alluka sighed, “You’ve given him six years of space; giving him more time will just let him dig himself deeper into this hole.”

****

“Alluka, I can’t hurt him like that again. Like I did back then. Like I did today.”

****

Alluka sighed. “Gon, I know this is hurting you too. And I don’t have any idea how one of you is supposed to be strong for the other when you’re both in so much pain, but you have to try. And… maybe that’s the problem. Maybe Killua doesn’t need you to be strong right now. Maybe he just needs you to be here.”

****

“Alluka…”

****

“Gon, seriously. Killua is horrible when it comes to keeping things to himself, but when it comes to this, so are you. Please, just talk to him.”   
  


Gon’s mouth twisted, remembering this afternoon. “The last time I tried to talk to him, I drove him to run himself to exhaustion and then attack himself.”

****

“So next time hold him down and make him listen. And then you have to listen to him.”

****

Gon shook his head, but Alluka interrupted.

****

“What do you think is going to happen when he wakes up?” If whispers could be shouted, that was what Alluka was doing.

****

“He’s going to bury himself in embarrassment and guilt. And then he’s going to try and pretend like it’s all okay, and put another wall up and close himself off a little more. You can’t leave him like that. You need to be there when he wakes up, to let him know that it’s okay that he’s not okay, and it’s not something he has to hide. And,  _ then _ , you’re going to show him that you’re  _ not _ leaving him  _ or  _ letting him leave you this time.”

****

Gon glared at her, but Alluka glared back. She was still the only person on earth who could beat him in a game of pig-headedness. He sighed. “Fine, I’ll stay. But if this get’s worse, I’m doing something.”

****

He made to move to his room, but Alluka walked in front of him. 

****

“Uh-uh. We’re trading rooms tonight, You need to be there when Killua wakes up. You can’t give him even a minute to think he scared you away.”

****

Gon stared at her. She was right, but this was something he and Killua agreed that they weren’t ready for. And Alluka had made it very clear that she still thought they were idiots. 

****

“Gon, go be his best friend.”

****

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wonder why Gon magically had his Nen back in the beginning of Everything at Once? Let's explore that shall we... And maybe find Nanika in the process. 
> 
> (You know, the sassier these notes are, the more nervous the author is...)
> 
> Hope I don't disappoint you guys!


	2. The Bell is Rung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which plans change. For everyone.

Ten years ago… 

****

Shizuku felt the lock give way under her picks. “Boss, I’m in.”   
  


She heard the crackle of the intercom in her ear.  _ Alright, people, we move this cargo double time. Salem, meet us at the safe. Light get Firefly woken up. _

****

_ … Yeah boss, headin’ at you. _

****

_ … Aye captain. Waking up Firefly… Eta six minutes… _

****

Shizuku spun the tumbler and swung open the door. “Boss, it’s here.”

****

She looked over her shoulder, as the captain dropped down from the air duct, then back at the priceless worn leather covers. 

****

“Shiny. Pack it-”

****

CHING!!!

****

Shizuku spun, Deme-chan appearing in her hands. 

****

The captain crouched, facing away from her, knives drawn. And behind the captain, stood an assassin. Shizuku didn’t recognize him offhand, but based on his silent approach and how close he’d gotten before even the captain noticed, he had to be very skilled. There was only one group of hitmen Shizuku knew of who were  _ that _ talented. 

****

This Zoldyck was tall, with a long mane of white hair and light purple eyes. And he clearly wasn’t here by accident.

****

The captain sank a little deeper into her fighting stance. “Shizuku, get the booty and get gone. Tell Light to take off.” 

****

“Boss-”

****

“That’s an order! Move!”

****

Shizuku turned back to the safe and felt the influx of Nen from behind her. It was rare the captain had cause to pull her emerald aura; this assassin must be truly skilled. 

****

The raven-haired girl snatched the book and turned tail, just as a giant blast of aura destroyed the safe she’d spent half an hour cracking open, pushing her to the ground and knocking her glasses askew. She rolled to her feed and didn’t look back, but heard the fierce battle ripping apart the billiards room behind her, as she darted out of range into the hallway. 

****

She turned the corner and found Salem sprinting headlong at her. Shizuku grabbed his arm and spun him around to run the opposite direction of whatever the captain and assassin were doing to try to kill each other.

****

“Shizuku, what the hell? Where’s the captain?”

****

“A Zoldyck is here. The captain is fighting him. She ordered us to take off.”   
  


Salem’s green eyes widened, and he wrenched his grip free and turned back towards the fight. “You sure? Damn it! Shizuku we have to help-”

****

“Captain said to leave her. She gave an order.”

****

Salem cursed, but u-turned, yet again, to follow Shizuku as they leapt out the second story window and sprinted across the lawn to the airship that had just landed. In half a second, they were on board, cargo door closing behind them.

****

“Light, Salem and I are on board. Captain orders us to take off.” Shizuku politely informed the pilot.

****

_ Hold up, where’s the boss? I ain’t going anywhere without... _

****

“Light, do it!” Salem growled into his intercom, “Captain’s openin’ us a window. Let’s not waste it. She’ll meet us at the rendezvous.”

****

_ But- _

****

“Light, it's a Zoldyck! Get us airborne or I will toast your ass! Now!”

****

_ Oh go fuck a Hunter!… Everyone hold on to something! _

****

Shizuku felt the engines roar to life and jolt them all forward. The ship shuddered a bit, then gained speed and left the ground. Once Light got the ship stabilized, Shizuku moved to stow the treasure they’d come for, in the smuggling compartment. She turned to stare out the window at the mansion she’d left her boss in. 

****

It was burning. 

****

* * *

****

Alluka stood in front of the mirror, washing her hands. She was hoping neither Gon nor Killua was awake yet. They both had enough to deal with between each other right now. 

****

She rinsed the blood away from her fingers, then reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. 

****

The first nosebleed had happened six days after she’d woken up in the hospital. The second, four days later. It had escalated up to the point where she’d have to disappear off to the bathroom twice a day now. 

****

Alluka didn’t bother asking what was happening to her. She knew. It was because Nanika was gone. 

****

Something more than her Nen had broken when she’d lost her other half, probably because Nanika was more than just Nen. But, Alluka wasn’t sure how long she could hide it from the boys, especially if it kept getting worse. 

****

She rinsed her hands again and scrubbed at the stubborn red around her fingernails. 

****

Oh for heaven's sake, it wasn’t this hard to wash off blood. She brought her hand up to examine the red, and gasped. The blood around her nails wasn’t from her nose. Her nail beds were bleeding. 

****

The hand immediately went back into the cold stream of water and she tried to pretend she hadn’t just seen that. Killua would notice soon. So would Gon. 

****

But they were already working on the solution: finding Nanika. She’d hold off worrying them as long as possible. She got the bleeding stopped and wiped away last flecks. There was some bruising around her cuticles, but nothing too noticeable.

****

She needed to go meet Morel. And figure out how to ‘become the breath’ or whatever else it was she had to do to find Nanika..

****

* * *

****

Zzz. Zzz. Zzz. 

****

Hisoka twirled the phone on his nail, before snatching it and pressing ‘Answer’. 

****

“Chrollo dear, it’s been too long. Are you still trying to kill me?”

****

“Yes. You have murdered three of my people. And arranged for the deaths of four more.”

****

Hisoka leaned back against the stone wall, closing his eyes and remembering the fun. “But if I hadn’t killed them, you would never have found such interesting replacements. Imagine, all that talent, never given a chance to ripen to its full potential… With the right perspective, you could say I’ve actually helped you quite a lot. Besides, wouldn’t killing me be a bit redundant?”

****

“I will kill you as many times as I have to.”

****

“Because you enjoy our fights as much as I do?”

****

“Because I enjoy your husband.”

****

Hisoka’s golden eyes narrowed, but his smile widened.

****

“Chrollo-mine, while part of me would delight in ripping you to shreds for that comment, may I remind you that I gave you your chance to persuade Illu. If I recall correctly, he very politely refused and chose instead to marry me. With that in mind, are you sure killing me is the best way to endear yourself to him? Of course if you’re offering to fight me, please don’t let me talk you out of it.”

****

“I am little concerned with endearing myself to him. My reasons for killing you extend beyond a petty love triangle.”

****

“Hmm, you used to have better pillow talk.”

****

“I will find you Hisoka. You cannot run forever.”

****

“I have no intention of running from you, dear one. I merely have other priorities that take precedence.” Hisoka glanced up over his shoulder at the window where his two brothers-in-law were sleeping. “No offence, Dancho.”

****

“You lost the right to call me that a long time ago. I will see you soon, Hisoka.”

****

“I look forward to it. Do try and come at your best.”

****

Hisoka ended the call, and returned to twirling the device on his nail. It was nice having Chrollo’s full attention for once, but it was starting to interfere with the magician’s busy schedule… He caught the phone and smirked. Change in plans. It was time to pay a visit to an old friend. 

****

* * *

****

Killua didn’t want to wake up. His hands were warm and he was still tired, despite feeling the ache in his muscles that indicated he hadn’t moved in a long while. He burrowed into the blankets a little deeper.

****

“Killua? You awake?”

****

Killua smiled, still half asleep. “No. Shut up.”

****

Gon laughed. “You’re lying. You wouldn’t have answered me if you were.”

****

“Gon-” Killua growled, but immediately cut off, realizing his hands were warm because Gon was holding them. And that meant Gon was laying next to him.  _ Why- _ Killua tensed in horror remembering what had happened yesterday. How had he lost it that badly? What could Gon possibly think of him now? How could he fix this? He didn’t want to lose Gon again. 

****

“Killua?” Gon asked softly. 

****

Killua slowly opened his eyes in terror. Golden brown ones stared back at him, from behind their clasped hands, smiling. He tentatively smiled back. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. No it was definitely that bad. But Gon was here smiling at him, so maybe?

****

“What are you thinking?” Gon asked, tilting his head into the pillow, looking ridiculous. He didn’t let go of Killua’s hands. 

****

“Idiot, how long I was out?”

****

“Mmm, about twelve hours, sleepy head,” Gon grinned, and then sobered, “Can we talk about yesterday? But, we don’t have to if you don’t want to…” The spiky-haired boy rushed to add as Killua looked down and clenched his hands, trying to pull away. 

****

Gon held tight, not letting him roll over. Killua felt the blood rush to his cheeks and looked down, to stare at their knees. 

****

“I’m sorry,” Killua whispered, finally, “I don’t know why I freaked out like that.”

****

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong; I shouldn’t have surprised you like that. I should be the one apologizing.”

****

“S’not your fault,” Killua whispered, voice thick. “I’m the one who flipped out for no reason.”

****

“No,” Gon contradicted, ducking down to force the blue eyes to meet his. “No, Killua. This is my fault. I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it until you want to, but you should know that I’m not going to let you blame yourself for this anymore.” Those big brown eyes were gleaming in the morning light, clearly demonstrating how determined Gon was. 

****

Killua was either going to cry or die, so he settled for rolling his eyes. But then he went serious again, squeezing his eyes closed. 

****

“Can we… not, talk about it? I... I can't... I can't.”

****

He peaked at his friend, expecting him to start yelling that they had to talk about it right now. Gon was stubborn like that. Killua might have crawled onto a mental piece of driftwood after yesterday's flood of emotions and memories, but Gon could easily cause a wave that would capsize him back into that river of pain. And he was pretty sure he'd drown. Gon gazed back, no looking happy, but he nodded slowly. And Killua breathed a sigh of relief. He needed to time to get himself back under control. Alluka and Nanika needed him to be strong right now, and he couldn’t do that if he was losing his mind. 

****

“I had something else I wanted to ask you though.”

****

Killua tensed, but he reasoned there was nothing Gon could have to say that was worse than yesterday, so: “Have at it.”

****

“Did you have any nightmares last night?”

****

Killua’s brows furrowed. No, he hadn’t had the normal nightmares, but Gon wasn’t supposed to know about them anyway. 

****

“No...” he said slowly.

****

Gon tilted his head the other way. “You’re not lying?”

****

“No, Gon. Why would you think I have nightmares?”

****

“Now you’re lying. I know they wake you up most nights. But you didn’t wake up at all last night.”

****

Killua thought about denying it, but Gon obviously already knew. And Alluka would rat him out anyway. But he really hadn’t had any nightmares last night, which was weird, considering how he’d fallen asleep. 

****

“I didn’t have any last night,” Killua fudged, staying truthful but vague. “Why are you asking though?”

****

“Because a couple times last night, you started shaking, but then I squeezed your hands and you calmed back down. I know you wake up most nights, but did that help? Because if it does, I want to hold your hands every night!”

****

Killua blushed hot - second time in five minutes. (Gon usually caused his pale cheeks to flame at least five times a day; the Hunter was ahead of schedule this morning.) And this was more embarrassing than normal. His nightmares were a weakness he didn’t want anyone to know about. Especially Gon. 

****

“Gon, I an adult. I sleep fine-” Gon frowned at him, “-you don’t have to…” 

****

“But I want to,” Gon said matter of factly, and Killua recognized the voice Gon used when he was going to get his way. Not that white-haired Hunter really minded; in fact, it had been really, really nice waking up that way. (Until he’d remembered  _ why _ they’d ended up waking up that way.) “Please, Killua.”

****

Killua looked up at his best friend’s face and nodded. 

****

“Good,” Gon smiled and squeezed his hands. 

****

They just lay there for a few minutes, listening to each other breathe, and both wondering what kind of step forward this might be in their relationship. It certainly wasn’t a normal one. After a while, Killua watched Gon’s expression slowly change from contentment to curiosity to ponderment, until it became clear that his friend was thinking way too hard about something. 

****

“Um, Gon? You look like you’re about to blow a gasket.”

****

Gon eyes widened a touch and he bit his lip. Killua pushed one of their joined hands at his forehead so he could jab a finger into it. That broke the spell. 

****

“Can I take you on a date?”. 

****

Killua jerked back, shocked as all hell. 

****

“Wha-idiot! You can’t just blurt out something like that!”

****

“Why not? I want to take you on a date!”

****

And cue blush number three. “Gon, did you forget we’re technically already married? You don’t have to take me on dates...”

****

“But I want to. Morel said he wanted to take Alluka out on the water tomorrow, just the two of them so she would be able to hear the ocean breathing. He actually suggested we give her space to focus, so I was thinking we’d have the day to ourselves. And Shoot said he would be out around the boat, working on his flying some more so she’d be safe. So, do you want to go on a date or not?”

****

Killua revisited his private theory that Gon had been born with a Nen technique called Embarrassment Extraordinaire. But as flustering as it was, at least Gon wasn’t pushing the other thing… Killua knew he could only avoid that conversation for so long. And, yes. Yes he did want to go on a date with Gon. The idiot was waiting for an answer to a question Killua had only ever dreamed of him asking. 

****

He bit his lip. “Alright.”

****

Gon’s smile very nearly set the bed on fire. 

****

* * *

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... ... ...
> 
> So, if you didn't gather, I'm trying something new... 
> 
> I realize mystery isn't exactly compatible with the HxH universe, and hopefully the flashback style isn't too disorienting. I know that I occasionally want to beat authors over the head with their books when they jump from character to character without explanation or resolution, and... ya...
> 
> But Hisoka is bopping around. That has to count for something. 
> 
> I think I'm scaring myself with this one, so if people are acting out of character holler. If there' general confusion and mayhem, that might be on purpose?
> 
> Aaak. Stopping rambling. 
> 
> Let me know your conspiracy theories. Or enjoyment. Or general disapprobation. 
> 
> ... ... ...
> 
> Feedback?


	3. Forwards and Backwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The clock starts ticking, and Gon has to make a tough call.

Five years ago… More or less… 

****

Gon burst into the captain’s quarters, letting the heavy door thud harshly against the wall. He’d been waiting three weeks for her to see him again and help him get some sort of handle on how to unlock his Nen. Three weeks of being the airship’s swabbie, watching the crew bring in hauls of what had to be illegal merchandise, never complaining and never giving up. Three weeks of mopping floors, cleaning blood splatters, and avoiding fights. 

****

He wasn’t wasting another second. 

****

“What’s the lock on the future?” the Hunter demanded, not even bothering with a ‘hello’. 

****

She didn’t glance up at his sudden intrusion, carefully closing the casket of loot in front of her. She picked it up and went to stow it in the wall before even turning to address him. It wasn’t until she was back in her chair, boots propped up on the desk, that she condescended to answer. 

****

“Well, that’s complicated.”

****

Gon’s fists clenched. “Explain it.”

****

She smirked, drumming her fingers on the desk, taking her time. “The future’s not set. It’s always in flux. When you made that covenant your future was different. When chicky-Zoldyck saved you, that future got locked away. Your new future is the lock itself. You got a problem ‘cause you wanna undo something ain’t yet happened.”

****

The Hunter’s brown furrowed, understanding the idea but having no clue what to do about it. “So I have to prevent my future from happening?”

****

“More or less.”

****

“So I have to die?”

****

That actually got a laugh out of her. First one Gon had ever heard. “Well that’d do it, but there is a drastically less permanent recourse. I’ll repeat myself one time. The future is not set. You wanna unlock the future you gave up, you gotta shift the course away from the future you’re sailing towards.”

****

“But that’s not a lock at all!”

****

Her boots hit the ground and the captain leaned forward onto her elbows to leer at him. “Piglet, Nen ain’t steel and iron. Its locks are a little different. This new future be sitting in the way of the old one.” 

****

Without any warning, she stood and strode out the door. Gon hustled after her, following the long strides up to the bridge. The captain ignored him, checking their course and making some adjustments navigation equipment. Finally, Gon lost patience. 

****

“Fine, so how do I change the course of my future back to what it was?”

****

“Like flying a ship,” she said, moving to the helm, “Find out where your going, then turn the wheel and go somewhere else.”

****

Gon was not in the mood for anymore riddles. He’d spent almost a month working up to get these answers from her. “And where am I going?”

****

“Well, this ship’s sailing back towards Meteor City. Might not be such a coincidence as you might think.”

****

* * *

****

Killua was asleep. And then he was awake. There was no transition period, it was suddenly one state, and then the other. Gon wasn’t in the bed with him, and he had a brief moment of panic, until he noticed a slip of paper resting on the Gon’s pillow in front of his face.

****

His blue eyes widened at the sight of his name, written in messy script. The former assassin was sitting bolt upright in bed tearing open the letter with a grin on his face before the second was out.

****

He had date with Gon today. 

****

_ Hey Killua, _

****

_ I’m sorry if I worried you but I snuck out early to set things up. Whenever you’re ready, come meet me at the ship! _

****

_ Gon _

****

Killua literally zipped to the bathroom, nearly electrocuted himself in the water by showering too fast, and then flew back into the room to get dressed. 

****

It was only halfway between pulling on his right sock and righting his boxers (backwards), that he woke up enough to whap himself for acting like a teenage girl. He was twenty years old for fuck’s sake. It was just a date. Not even his first date. But it was… 

****

A date with Gon. 

****

If he squinted, he could argue that they’d been dating the entire time they’d travelled together. But this was a real date. Like the one Gon had took Palm on. Killua wondered if he would get a tree branch like she did; not that he was still jealous after six years… That was just stupid.

****

He shook himself and darted out the room, flying down the stairs. He was halfway out the door, when:

****

“Killua.”

****

Killua turned seeing Morel at the common room table. “Oh hey, big guy.” He hesitated, before turning back to go check in with the older Hunter. “You’re still trying that boat thing today, right? Think it will work?”

****

Morel huffed, taking a drag from his pipe. “We’ll try it, but Alluka doesn’t have a strong affinity for water or air. The solitude might help her focus though.”

****

Killua nodded. It was worth a try. 

****

“Oh hey Killua,” Alluka called from the top of the stairs, “Aren’t you suppose to be on a date with Gon right now?”

****

Killua’s cheeks flamed. Gon’s embarrassing bluntness was rubbing off on her. Or maybe it had always been there. Morel politely hid his wide grin behind his big hand. 

****

“Yeah, I just stopped to check on plans with the big guy here, before I head out.”

****

Alluka rolled her eyes. “Okay, well stop worrying. It’ll be…”

****

Killua glanced up to where his sister had paused, halfway down the stairs. Her hand was at her face and Killua saw the blood dripping from her nose. 

****

“Alluka, what…”

****

Killua didn’t even get the full sentence out before he was at the stairs catching his sister as her eyes rolled back and she collapsed. 

****

“Alluka!”

****

* * *

****

Hisoka scaled the wall, slipping in through the window. He really didn’t understand how Chrollo found pleasure in thievery; it was just too easy. 

****

His target’s boyfriend was lying prone in the bed, snoring loudly. Hisoka snorted, too easy.

****

The magician slipped around to the other side, so he could wake his favorite Chain User silently. 

****

_ Hmm? _

****

The other side of the bed was empty. Hisoka cocked an eyebrow. He swiftly scoured the apartment before returning to the bedroom to frown at the sleeping doctor. 

****

_ Oh well… _

****

He climbed up onto the bed and pulled out his deck of cards. It only took three loud shuffles before Leorio jerked away.

****

“What the… HISOKA!”

****

The magician grinned down at the Hunter, still shuffling the black and gold cards.

****

“Good morning, doctor.”

****

“WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY BED!!!”

****

“Well, I would have much rather woken up next to Illumi, but he is on a mission. My second choice was busy with his husband, and the third is not in this bed. So here you are. Lucky number four.”

****

“I don’t give a rat’s ass what number I am on whatever sick perverted list you have. OUT!”

****

“Happily, as long as you tell me where I might find our mutual blonde friend.”

****

Leorio’s face fell, and Hisoka’s eyes narrowed. 

****

“Kurapika doesn’t live here anymore. I don’t know where he is.”

****

The magician was out the window before the doctor had finished speaking. 

****

* * *

****

“Gon,” Killua whispered into his hands, his face buried from sight, “She’s dying. Not being together, it’s killing them. Nanika is probably dying too, wherever she is.”

****

Gon immediately pulled his friend up from the armchair, into a full bear hug. Killua rested his head on the broad shoulder, fighting back his terror. Alluka hadn’t woken up until after noon. And she’d had three more nosebleeds since. 

****

Morel had been consulting with several of the Hunter Association’s Nen healers. No matter which one they talked to, it didn’t look good. Leorio had asked them to fly direct to the hospital so he could run some tests. 

****

Killua’s fists knotted themselves in the fabric of Gon’s shirt. This wasn’t something he could fight. There was no enemy. He felt Gon’s arms constrict a little tighter.

****

“Killua! We won’t let that happen. We’ll find Nanika and we’ll stop them both from being sick.”

****

“What if it takes too long?”

****

“Gon, Killua. I’m fine.”

****

Killua pulled back from the hug to look up the stairs at his sister, who had obviously just arrived. She walked down the steps, gripping the railing a little tighter than she normally did and all Killua wanted to do was throw her back in bed until she was healthy again.

****

“No Alluka, you’re not fine.” 

****

She reached the armchair and sunk down, looking at them pointedly. “Well, no but finding Nanika will fix it. We’re already doing all we can. I just have to find my Nen again, like Gon did, and then we can get her back and it’ll be fine. Right Gon?”

****

Gon tugged Killua down onto another couch beside her, not letting go of his hand. 

****

“Alluka, it’s different for everybody. We’re trying what I did at first, but it didn’t work for me, and I don’t think it’s working for you.”

****

Killua vibrated in his skin, hearing those words. It was obvious what they’d been trying hadn’t worked yet, but now he could see a deadline sneaking up on them. 

****

“Then what did you do that worked?” Alluka asked, calmly. Killua was amazed at how unfazed she seemed. He swallowed when he realized it was because she’d known for long enough to come to terms with it. 

****

“I…” Gon looked away from the siblings back towards the crackling fire, and Killua got angry. If Gon knew something, Killua was going to make him share it. Now.

****

“Gon, please,” he tried to hold his temper, “Alluka is dying.”

****

“Oh shut up Killua,” she snapped, “I’m not dying.”

****

Killua glared at her for lying, then looked back to his friend who was still watching the logs burn. 

****

“Gon, she is. Please.”

****

The black-haired Hunter tensed, still not looking at them. When he spoke, his voice was thick and heavy. 

****

“The covenant…” Gon started, and Killua froze; it had only been forty eight hours since that damn inside him had burst. It was still raw. He couldn’t do this again, but… Alluka. 

****

Gon kept talking. “There were three things… she called them locks… I had to fix it, what I did…” The pale hunter started shaking, hating how closely they were brushing this subject, and Gon finally turned in his seat to look at him.

****

“Killua, are you sure you want to hear this?”

****

The former assassin closed his eyes and swallowed. “Gon. Just say it.”

****

“When I gave up everything…” Gon said, and then rushed to get it out before it hurt Killua more, “It was everything. Everything I was before and was then and might have been. All of it.”

****

He paused, rubbing a thumb against the back of Killua’s hand, before continuing in a whisper. 

****

“And then Alluka and Nanika saved me, but the covenant and restriction I’d made were still there. My Nen, my life force, got locked away because of it and, even though I was still the same person, I was different. Ging told me there would be a price to pay to get it back. And then I started searching and then, well, that incident in Begnion…”

****

Killua’s eyes flashed up, and Gon met his surprise with a sad smile. 

****

“Kurapika told me. I should have been there to protect you guys, but without Nen, I couldn’t be there when you needed me. I got desperate. I tried everyone we know…” 

****

Gon’s voice trailed off, and Alluka leaned in, knowing he was close to telling them.

****

“And then somewhere along the way, I got the idea that maybe the Phantom Troupe could help.” Killua’s eyes flashed, thinking of Gon confronting those people with nothing to protect him. It was something only Gon would do. 

****

“They’re all strong Nen users and Chrollo can take powers; I thought maybe he could give them back. I ended up in Meteor City, looking for them… Um, the stories about that place don’t lie. That place, it’s rough.” Gon swallowed. “I didn’t have Nen and it got ugly… There was a fight. People showed up to watch. One of them recognized me, well sort of. He thought I was Ging. So then he brought me to this airship… And then I met the captain… and...“

****

“Is she the one who told you about the locks?” Alluka prodded. 

****

Gon nodded. “Yeah. She said she could help, but I had to earn it. I worked on her ship for a while. But she eventually helped me figure out what the locks were and how to break them to get my Nen back.”

****

“So what were they?” Killua asked, desperately, “Alluka might have similar…”

****

“No,” Gon interrupted, “Those things… They were very specific to me. They wouldn’t work for Alluka.” 

****

“Why not? What were they?” Alluka asked.

****

The older Hunter shook his head. “Please, just trust me. They won’t work.”

****

“But what about this captain?” Killua tried, “Could she help?”

****

Gon turned back to the fire, shoulders tense. “Maybe.”

****

“Then let’s go find her!” Killua exclaimed, wondering why they hadn’t started there. 

****

“Killua,” Gon said, lowly, “It’s dangerous. She helped me but she told me not to come back. For a lot of reasons. I don’t want you getting hurt because of me.”

****

“Gon,” Killua begged, hurt and confused that Gon was holding back, even now, when Alluka’s life was at stake. “Please.”

****

Gon turned to stare into his eyes. Killua stared back, meeting the soft brown gaze that grew blurrier the longer he held it. Finally, Gon nodded. 

****

“Her ship is always moving, they never stay more’n a night in any one place. The place they land most often is outside of Meteor City, like when they found me. There’s a way I might be able to contact her, but Killua, it’s dangerous.”

****

“How bad can it be?” Killua demanded, wondering what could possibly have Gon so worried. 

****

“Bad.”

****

Gon was fearless when it came to his own safety, so he had to be worrying about Killua and Alluka. Killua frowned, realizing how vulnerable his sister was right now. 

****

“That’s fine, we’ll be careful,” Alluka noticed and interrupted, before Killua could reconsider. “But this captain. Who is she?”

****

Gon took a deep breath, turning back to the fire. 

****

“My aunt.”

****

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in this chapter. I have a good idea of where I'm going with the bigger picture, it's just a little fuzzy up front. 
> 
> Pirates...
> 
> Yeah, I went there. And Meteor City's about to get a couple of visitors.
> 
> Also, show of hands. Who wants to wake up next to Hisoka shuffling cards?


End file.
